It is typical for couples to respond differently after a pregnancy loss. Suggesting that anyone is not sad enough or that they are too sad will only add additional stress to an extremely difficult time.
It may be difficult to think that somebody who deals with grief differently feels grief as deeply as you. It might help you to understand that although grief follows some common patterns, every person’s reaction is unique.
Typically, there is an expectation that acute grief will come with tears, as well as powerful expression of emotion. It is considered typical to express feelings, cry, and to process grief as you adapt to this loss. It’s referred to as intuitive grief.
An equally valid yet less accepted way of handling grief is referred to as instrumental grief. In this case, someone will take charge and emphasize being “strong.”
Often, we relate such grieving with males. It may pertain to anybody, however, particularly if he or she is usually a problem-solver. Individuals who grieve this way often discover that they have a type of restlessness or nervous energy that helps them get things accomplished.
Instead of withdrawing from activities or crying, individuals suffering instrumental grief will work upon taking care of business and attempting to master their emotions. For these individuals, taking care of practical matters might not be a distraction from the truth but a consolation.
In contrast, somebody who deals with grief by focusing on their emotions might discover that dealing with practical matters is almost impossible, and an uninviting reminder of their loss.
Most people react to grief with a blend of these two approaches.
Communication is critical for couples to get through their grief healthily. They should try to understand one another’s point of view.
I recommend sitting with your spouse and discussing how he or she feels, as well as what helps him or her. It’s okay if these things are different.
If you are an intuitive griever, but your partner is not, you might consider participating in a support group or locating a trusted confidant. Discuss this with your partner. It might mean that you can get support, express yourself, and revisit memories in a way that helps you, without conflicting with your partner’s way of handling his or her grief.
Everyone wants to support their loved ones through hard times. With the loss of a baby, it can be difficult to figure out the best way to do this.
Here are some ideas.
Send a card
A card conveying your sympathy for the loss of a pregnancy can be more meaningful than a text or phone call because it takes more care and effort. Don’t forget to address your card to both partners.
Spend time with the couple
Don’t think that you need to stay away! Pay a visit. It is surprising how many people back off from their friends and loved ones in situations such as miscarriage or illness, not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know what to say or how to handle the situation.
If you can’t visit in person, find other ways to stay in touch. Contact them regularly to see how they are feeling. Keep in touch, even if there is no response. They will get back to you when they are ready. Even if they are not ready to see you, they will appreciate that you care.
Send a gift
Maybe you could send a thoughtful gift to help physically brighten their day. Home baked cookies, fancy chocolates, or perhaps some comfy PJs to wear while they are recovering may be good choices.
There are also small gifts you can buy to commemorate the child that has been lost. You could give a tree or flower to plant and grow; or maybe a small, personalized item, or a name a star certificate.
Think about the people involved and what you think they would appreciate so that, where possible, your gift is personal.
A miscarriage is a physical as well as emotional process. Grieving is exhausting. Help them create the space and time to do this. Perhaps you can look after other children for an afternoon or take on a few extra chores or responsibilities to help them out.
A home-cooked meal is always appreciated. This is a great, practical way to be kind. Or perhaps you could assist with simple household tasks such as laundry, vacuuming, or grocery shopping. Make sure they have everything they need to be comfortable.
Suggest going out – at the right time
The intensity of the grief is likely to ebb and flow. Perhaps during less tearful times, you could try and get them out of the house for a change of scenery. It can be beneficial for the couple to take a walk, grab a coffee, or catch a movie.
Being persistent is not the same as pressuring the couple. Suggest that they go out, but let them do it when they are ready.
Miscarriage and grief are personal to the individual. Whether you choose to share this with others is 100% your decision.
There is no easy way of sharing this news. It will be difficult whether or not you have already announced the pregnancy.
You should not feel obliged to share this news if you’d rather not. If you have already announced your pregnancy, however, it may be better to tell people about your miscarriage before they ask. If you’d prefer, you could ask your partner, a friend, or a family member to let people know.
Should I tell my family and friends about my miscarriage?
Even if you don’t want to share this news widely, you may want to tell your immediate family and close friends. It might be a good idea to tell one or two select people so that you can benefit from their love and support during this difficult time.
Do I need to tell my co-workers about my miscarriage?
You may not want to announce your miscarriage widely in your place of work. It may be beneficial, however, to tell your line manager or HR person, so that they can be understanding of your needs.
You may need to take time off during the miscarriage itself. And it’s normal for women to take time off to recuperate physically and to come to terms with the news.
Perhaps there will be times when you struggle upon your return to work. Having at least one or two people who are aware of what happened can be useful.
Sharing the news
If you choose to share the news of your miscarriage with others, you may find that once you start telling people, you will be overwhelmed by how many people have been through the same thing and are keeping this a secret.
Sharing the news of a miscarriage by talking about it with trusted friends and colleagues has helped some women deal with returning to work during this difficult time. Some have also found that they helped other people who had secretly been in a similar situation.
Still, if you don’t want people to know, it’s okay to put your needs first. Sharing the news may be painful, especially in the immediate aftermath. While sharing can be helpful, don’t feel pressured to do so if you will feel very uncomfortable, you think it will affect your work, or you are not ready.
Grieving for the loss of your child is normal. Accept that your body and mind are going to be affected by grieving. There’ll be a feeling of overwhelming sorrow, anger, guilt, and of course, numbness and shock.
Many women are unable to sleep after a miscarriage, despite feeling exhausted. Your routine daily activities might seem meaningless. You might discover yourself eating when you’re not hungry, or not eating at all.
Within this phase, fatigue, grief, depression, shock, are all understandable feelings. It is also common for women to feel a sense of failure. Occasionally, it’s more difficult to deal with the feeling that some individuals give you sympathy instead of comfort.
Amid all of this, what’s important is to permit yourself to feel what you’re feeling. Miscarriage is the loss of a loved one. Grieving is normal. Permit yourself to feel sad, but understand that you are not to blame. And if you miscarried during the first pregnancy trimester, know that this is common.
Talk about your feelings with your spouse. At the same time, give one another space to mourn. Tell your spouse what you need. You may not feel like you deserve special treatment, but it’s important to take care of yourself. People around you will want to help.
After experiencing a miscarriage, allow yourself to take a little time off work. This can be extremely helpful, physically and mentally.
Getting ready for another pregnancy
According to health care providers, women should wait before attempting to conceive again.
Physicians recommend waiting for a complete menstrual cycle before attempting to conceive again. Women who didn’t go through treatments or tests to discover the cause of the miscarriage might wait for two or three menstruation cycles prior to attempting to get pregnant again.
For women who are extremely emotionally wounded, it is wise to give the emotional healing process as long as it needs. This might be months, a year or more. Everybody is different. If the emotional pain is severe for many weeks, it is worth talking to a nurse or a mental health professional experienced with miscarriage and bereavement.
Having had a miscarriage will promote fear for another loss within pregnancy, but most women who have had a miscarriage can experience a regular pregnancy. For those who didn’t have any infections, their bodies might be prepared to ovulate again two to four weeks after a miscarriage.
After a miscarriage, it is vital to look after yourself. Whether or not you are considering a future pregnancy, give yourself time to heal physically and mentally, and use the resources available to you, including friends, family, libraries, and professionals.
Living with parental grief might seem overwhelming, but it’s possible. It is important that you try to be optimistic yet realistic. You’re not expected to forget the loss of your child. However, you’ll survive it, even as it changes you.
As you undergo each season, each holiday, each sad or happy occasion that triggers an additional wave of grief, you’ll gain strength and better tools for handling the pain.
Do not hide from feelings of guilt
After the loss of a child, you are likely to be experiencing feelings of guilt. These are normal. It is helpful to confront and confess them.
Assess the reality of how the pregnancy was lost, as well as your real actions and intentions at the time. In almost all cases, people gradually see their actions and reactions in a more realistic and, therefore, positive light. You should acknowledge but forgive yourself for any ways in which you may not have been perfect.
Take baby steps
After the loss of a child, it’s critical that you break down the future into increments. If necessary, do this one day or one hour at a time.
Concentrate on activities. Do the laundry. Feed the cat. Focusing on normal, everyday activities will very gradually help you bear the grief.
Acknowledge your feelings
Think about creating a journal in which you can write about your pregnancy and the hopes and dreams you had for your unborn son or daughter. You may consider writing a poem addressed to him or her, or simply acknowledging your current feelings.
You might not feel prepared to do this immediately, but know that some people find comfort and release in doing this kind of thing in the earlier days after a miscarriage. Every person is individual. If something is not right for you, it’s okay to stop or look at another area.
If you don’t like the idea of keeping a journal, it’s worth considering joining a support group, talking to a professional, or family and friends. The important thing is to acknowledge and share your feelings. This can be transformative and set you on the long path to healing.
Surviving the loss of a child means making a commitment to live your life. You must make a new dedication to living, as impossible or difficult as it might seem. This doesn’t happen all at once. Keep going, one day at a time. You’ll not only survive this, but the experience will make you stronger.
When a pregnancy ends in stillbirth or miscarriage, children may have to deal with deep emotions. Like the parents, their existing children will also have suffered a loss. While you might be reeling with very painful feelings, it is critical to give your youngster permission to grieve, and to provide understanding and loving support.
Parenting specialists encourage parents to involve their kids in getting ready for a new child’s arrival. Assuming you’ve followed these suggestions, your youngster has already felt an emotional bond to the pregnancy. The loss of a baby is bound to bring distressful feelings, as well as curiosity.
Here’s your best policy: attempt to get your kids to open up in regard to their feelings as truthfully as possible.
It is important that you provide your youngster an honest account of what happened to the brother or sister they had been expecting. While you don’t need to provide the details, being honest can help keep things simple. Where possible, it is recommended to state the truth and avoid euphemisms for the death that can confuse kids.
Kids are literal. Generally speaking, it is healthy to give them bad news forthrightly. This means telling your children that the pregnancy ended, and that while he or she is no longer with you like before, you will all always remember and feel love for him or her.
Direct explanations are helpful in getting your youngster to assimilate the sad truth, the initial step in the process of grieving. Tell your child that it is normal to feel sad.
Offer your youngster a listening ear for all questions he or she might want to ask. The younger a child is, the more likely it will be that there will be questions asked several times. Each time, repeat the responses, and over time you will see a deepening of comprehension.
It may be very painful to address the same subject repeatedly, but it’s important to do so for your youngster. Your openness, patience, and honesty are essential to his or her ability to cope with the challenging idea of this loss.
The grieving process sometimes is so deep that you feel your child requires more help than you’re able to provide. This type of help might come from additional family members, social workers, close friends, mental health care specialists, or teachers.
If you think that you need support, don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is no need to go through this alone.
There isn’t any wrong or right way to honor your unborn child after he or she is gone. We must find what’s right for us, and develop our own traditions.
I have spoken to many, many couples who have suffered the tragedy of miscarriage. They’ve shared some incredible ways that they’ve celebrated the life of their unborn child. They’ve made new traditions, and I would like to share just a few of those ideas with you.
As painful as it might be, it’ll help you to understand that you’ve set apart a special time and/or a special place.
Below are some ways that individuals can honor and celebrate the life they have lost.
1) Create a poem and then read it at a memorial service. 2) Gather a few close friends and family members and hold a balloon release. 3) Buy a special memorial book in which you and your partner can write about the pregnancy and your feelings. 4) Release a lantern that has your son/daughter’s name on it. This can be an incredibly moving sight. It can be very healing to watch a lantern peacefully float through the night sky. 5) Set up a special place inside your house that has a candle for your unborn son or daughter. You could consider lighting the candle each year on what would have been his or her birthday. 6) Purchase and wrap a present. Give it to a child. This child may be someone you saw in the hospital, or the child of a friend or family member.
If you do not know a young person that you would like to give a gift to, check with the local ministers for assistance in locating a youngster who needs love. Do it in honor of the child you lost and consider doing so every year. 7) With close friends and/or family, make a memory box. Adorn it and keep it in a special area so that individuals who visit you may place unique items or notes in the box. 8) Release some butterflies. This is easy to do using a butterfly release memorial company, which you will be able to find online. 9) Make a memory garden. Add something new to the garden every year.
If you would like to share some ideas that you have used to honor the child you lost, or for more ideas, information, and support after miscarriage, please get in touch.
When you’re busy crafting something new – and that may be anything from music to art, sewing to cooking, photography to drawing – you may become so fully absorbed in whatever it is that nothing else matters. Crafting may be a natural anti-depressant. Also, it might ease stress, and increase happiness by releasing the neurotransmitter, dopamine.
Researchers think that the goal of dopamine was originally to make us repeat tasks that would help our species survive, such as reproducing and eating. The reward center within the brain releases dopamine as you accomplish something pleasurable.
As time has passed, our brains release dopamine as we do something other than merely surviving. Dopamine is released when we follow our passions and hobbies.
Clinical Neuropsychologist, Catherine Carey Levisay points out that crafting is special in this respect. According to Levisay, crafting involves several different regions of the brain, which means that it may work your attention span, memory, problem-solving abilities, creativity, and visuospatial processing.
Researchers are curious about leisure activities’ impact upon the brain. They’ve discovered that crafting, reading books, and playing games could decrease the risks of developing mild cognitive impairment by 30 – 50 percent. The more stimulating an environment, the better for your brain and your mental health.
Hobbies are also a positive way to keep from dwelling on sadness. They can help us to break negative patterns. Engaging with a hobby, therefore, can be beneficial for those coping with grief.
Whatever it is you like doing or that you might learn to love, create space and time for those activities.
There are many crafts and hobbies to select from. If you’re short on ideas, look at the many specialist magazines and books in your local bookshop, conduct a search online, or check Pinterest, which is a virtual pinboard of every craft or hobby under the sun.
Many people suffering from mental distress are advised to take up a new hobby or return to a pastime that they used to love. Whether they are suffering with the break-up of a relationship, redundancy, or grieving, people can find some solace and strength in the simple act of taking up an activity.
If you have lost a pregnancy, getting mentally and/or physically active with a hobby can be therapeutic.
Miscarriage is a loss, so it’s normal to feel grief. The sadness that couples going through miscarriage feel can be profound.
The question is, how long is it normal for these feelings to go on? If your sadness turns to depression and prevents you from taking care of daily routines such as cooking and dressing or looking after other kids, therapy can help you get your life back on track. If you’re feeling so saddened after a couple of months that it’s impossible to get through your usual day, consider therapy.
Getting professional help doesn’t mean that you have lost control. It’s a positive action that demonstrates that you are not giving in and that you are taking responsibility for your life.
Talking to friends and family can help you get some things straight in your mind, but there’s nothing like the unbiased, objective assistance of a trained professional to cut to the heart of the matter. People are unique and so are their needs. A counselor will be able to help you identify those needs and work out how to meet them.
How Might Therapy After Miscarriage Work?
In therapy, you will be encouraged to talk about your miscarriage and your feelings about what happened. Talking is a powerful way to move toward healing.
For many people, talking openly with friends or family feels impossible, sometimes because the woman is trying to ‘be strong’ or protect the people around her. A therapy session is the perfect place to bare your soul and ready it for healing.
Therapy sessions can also take place in groups. You or your therapist may decide that this is the most effective approach for you. One of the main sources of pain and grief after a miscarriage comes with the feeling of isolation. Many pregnancies end early as a result of miscarriage. If you are among them, you are far from alone, no matter how isolated you feel.
Group therapy can connect women with others in similar situations to them. They can gain support and perspective. They can receive healing and, as they progress through therapeutic sessions, they may also find themselves able to give support to others.
Therapy is certainly worth trying after miscarriage. And there’s no need to wait because you feel you should do it alone. Being alone rarely helps anyone after a loss.
Therapy is readily available. Seek a professional at any time to ease your suffering and to get your life moving again.
You can find therapy online or by contacting your local hospital or physician for recommendations.
The loss of a child is one of the most painful events a couple can go through. A miscarriage signals the end of many hopes and expectations. It is the loss of one particular future. Grief following a miscarriage can be overwhelming. Many parents are knocked off their feet. It can be very difficult to make sense of what has happened and find the will to go on.
In this way, grief and loss can make people feel hopeless.
I’ve been through multiple miscarriages. No matter how bad you feel now, I am proof that it is possible to come out the other side of your grief and depression. It won’t be easy, but it’s important to know that it will happen.
Like me, you won’t forget what happened. It’s normal to feel sadness about a miscarriage or miscarriages for the rest of your life. But your sadness will not crush you. You will come out from under the weight of your grief a stronger person.
Your Faith Can Help You Through a Miscarriage
If you have a religious faith, relying on this can help. For many women coping with the premature loss of a child, and for many families, spirituality can help fill the gap that a miscarriage leaves behind.
I know Christian parents who turn from pain and move towards healing by inviting God to fill their lives. By remembering that Jesus loves them, they can find comfort during a very painful period.
Time really does heal. Holding on to your faith in God or reconnecting with your spirituality can help you maintain the knowledge that all will be well, that you still have a purpose on this Earth, and that your life will go on although it has taken an unexpected and difficult turn.
If you don’t have a particular religious faith, hold onto the faith that things will get better for you and your partner. I am living proof. I know suffering. I was depressed after my miscarriages and had many moments of deep misery, when I hardly knew which way was up and which way was down.
While I will never forget what I’ve been through, I am grateful that I have a family; people who love me and who I love deeply.
My life is full of riches. Yours is too. Have faith and you will be able to appreciate and enjoy them once again.