Denial is a common stage in dealing with a traumatic event. It’s important that a couple faces what has happened, however, and that any feelings of denial do not persist.
It is normal for relationships to change after a miscarriage. The relationship can become stronger, or it can become weaker. For your bond to deepen after a miscarriage, it’s necessary to talk about it openly and honestly.
It stands to reason that women who feel closer to their partners will be more likely to become pregnant again, if this is their choice. They will have more support and more emotional strength with a partner who can share the experience of loss than if they end up in a situation where they are deceiving themselves.
What are these lies?
“I was never pregnant.”
It is a common misconception that an early miscarriage is no more than a heavy period, and that a young fetus isn’t a real baby at all. It is these ideas, perhaps, that help some couples convince themselves that the woman was never pregnant.
In order to heal, to learn, and to grow, it’s necessary to understand that a child has been lost. The hopes and dreams attached to that child are gone too. It’s painful. It’s real. And it’s going to be okay.
Facing Miscarriage as a Couple
Many couples tell themselves: “This didn’t happen.” They act as though nothing has changed, but, of course, it has.
Many couples do not tell many people about the pregnancy in the early days. So, when a miscarriage occurs it can be easier for them to conceal the fact. Hiding the event from themselves can lead to emotional issues and relationship problems.
I’ve seen time and time again that openness and sharing make couples stronger. Facing this difficult time together can deepen a couple’s bond. Couples who deny that anything significant happened are denying themselves this opportunity to become closer. Worse, they can drift apart.
Ignoring an issue this serious can lead to a situation where deception and self-deception become the norm.
I understand why couples lie to themselves after a miscarriage. It’s painful and difficult and altering the truth can be a way through it. For a while. Issues that haven’t been addressed, however, have a tendency to come back to us.
For lasting healing – the kind of healing that makes you stronger and able to deal with anything – I encourage you to face the fear and the pain and acknowledge it as a couple. If you can find support in your partner, you are likely to recover emotionally and psychologically sooner than if you have to suffer alone.